


Politically Correct

by HASA_Archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: 3rd Age - The Stewards, Contains non-explicit politically correct slash and crude humor., Fellowship of the Ring, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-23 07:22:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3759491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HASA_Archivist/pseuds/HASA_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Legolas founds the Middle-earth League of Sexually Confused Elves, and the Fellowship suffers the consequences.</p><p>Written to illustrate the absurdities of the slash criticisms Kirby Crow addresses in her wonderful essay.</p><p>Warnings: Contains non-explicit politically correct slash and crude humor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Politically Correct

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the HASA Transition Team: This story was originally archived at [HASA](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Henneth_Ann%C3%BBn_Story_Archive), which closed in February 2015. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in February 2015. We posted announcements about the move, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact The HASA Transition Team using the e-mail address on the [HASA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hasa/profile).

Author’s Note: A series of vignettes written to illustrate the absurdity of the slash criticisms Kirby Crow addresses in her wonderful essay:

http://members.tripod.com/~SlashGirls/slashrant.html

***

“Gandalf. You’re touching me again.”

“Oh! Sorry.”

Bilbo shook his head in exasperation. “How many times do I have to warn you? Since the Interspecies Sexual Harassment Act was passed in 1388, you’ve had dozens of violations! All this hugging and hair ruffling has got to stop!”

“I know, old friend.”

“And that thing you do, blowing your smoke rings or what have you through _my_ smoke rings -- it’s terribly suggestive.”

“You’re right. I won’t do it again.”

“And I’d like to add that pipeweed causes the deaths of millions annually,” Bilbo said. He poured them both tea. “So you will look after Frodo?”

***

“Frodo, as my employer, you have to stop smiling at me like that.” Sam stared into Frodo’s huge blue eyes. “I can’t even tell you how many guidelines of the Halfling Labor Code you’re breaking when you do that.”

“But what am I to do? I can’t help being adorable.”

“Let’s try a sack over your head.”

***

Frodo awoke in Rivendell after escaping from the Ringwraiths, and found Gandalf in his room.

“Gandalf! Put that out! Rivendell is a no-smoking area!”

The wizard sighed, put out his pipe, and popped a toffee into his mouth.

“Sam has been breaking the Medical Provider Ethics law by mauling you in your sleep. But we didn’t stop him, because you seemed to like it.” The wizard stood and stretched. “Get yourself ready for the council tonight! And put a sack over your head, for Eru’s sake.”

***

“Is that who I think it is?” Frodo was speechless.

“Yes,” said Gimli. “It is indeed Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, founder of the Middle-earth League of Sexually Confused Elves. Also known as MELSCE.”

Frodo stared at the beautiful prince, aware that he was racking up Interspecies Sexual Harassment violations by the cartload. He tried to give his attention to the rest of members of the council. There was Aragorn, looking hot cleaned up and in a velvet robe; a Man from the South who was quite yummy; Elrond, who wasn’t bad if you liked them 6,000 years old; and more dwarves. He decided to talk to the dwarves, as he was safe from breaking the law with them. They did not float his boat.

***

As the Fellowship left Rivendell, all of them, with the exception of Gandalf, Legolas, and Bill the Pony, had only one thought: I must get into the Elf’s leggings as soon as possible.

***

“I’m sorry, Boromir, but I can’t have sex with you.” Legolas sounded genuinely disappointed. They were in Hollin, and Boromir thought he would explode soon if he did not get relief.

“Why not?” he groaned. He was holding the Elf in his arms after giving him a big wet kiss.

“First, there is the Interspecies . . .”

“Damn the Interspecies Act!”

“I can’t do that, I helped get it passed into law. But there is something else that is even more important: you are not gay,” Legolas said.

“I’m not gay?” Boromir asked, confused.

“That’s correct. From now on, all male fictional characters having sex with other male fictional characters have to be completely and totally queer. No more of this Warrior Comfort or One True Love silliness.”

“When did this law get passed?” Boromir asked.

“I can’t remember. Last summer? Anyway, you are obviously not gay, so I can’t sleep with you.”

“How can I be gay, then?” Boromir asked desperately.

“You could start by sleeping with other men, I suppose.”

***

Boromir explained the problem to Aragorn. Aragorn was baffled. “But we want to have hot crazy sex with him -- doesn’t that make us gay enough?”

“Apparently not,” Boromir said. “I have to want to have hot crazy sex with _all_ men, as near as I can understand it. So I’ll start with you, if you don’t mind.”

***

“You really think this will work?” Boromir asked, his face turning dark red.

Boromir was doing a handstand, his back to Aragorn, who gripped Boromir’s ankles.

“Yes!” Aragorn said. “Believe me, it’s working!”

Boromir let out a groan of approval. They meshed together, moving faster and faster, until they were ready to explode into bliss simultaneously . . .

“Stop! That’s an anatomical impossibility!”

The men crashed to the ground as the Elf burst into the glade, his ears pink with indignation.

“Don’t tell me,” Boromir mumbled. “Another law.”

“Exactly,” Legolas snapped. “Nothing screams ‘slash written by het woman’ faster than this type of foolishness.”

“But it felt _good_ ,” Aragorn groaned.

***

That night, seven members of the Fellowship held a secret conference: Aragorn, Boromir, Gimli, Frodo, Sam, Pippin and Merry.

“We have to decide which of us is gay enough to have sex with Legolas,” Aragorn said. He waited for the cries of “Me! Me!” to die down.

“But what about the Interspecies Act?” Gimli asked.

“I think one of us might be able to get into his leggings if he is convinced we are truly gay, and not just interested in having hot sex with him.”

Gimli chortled with glee. “It’s me, then!”

The rest of the Fellowship made derisive farting sounds.

“No, really. With my hair, my muscular build, my moderate attention to hygiene, it is obvious: I am a Bear!” The dwarf beamed.

“Uh, what’s a Bear?” Pippin asked.

“It’s a gay man who is hairy and muscular,” Gimli explained.

“There is a slight problem, Gimli,” Aragorn said. “I think you also have to be tall.”

The dwarf howled in anguish.

“So what about us?” Frodo asked on behalf of the Hobbits. “We can’t be Bears.”

Aragorn thought for a moment. “You could be Cubs. But, really, you’re all Twinks.”

***

The Fellowship was not deterred. They would be gay, no matter what. Aragorn read the complete works of E.M. Forster and Christopher Isherwood, earning a smile from Legolas. Gimli got highlights. Boromir bought black leather pants, and for a while the Fellowship forgot about Legolas, as they were busy having hot crazy sex with Boromir instead.

Aragorn assured the Hobbits that, as Twinks, they didn’t need to do anything further. But what was _he_ to do? The Fellowship had established their gay identities -- Twink, Short Bear, Leatherman -- and he was still out in the cold.

***

Aragorn checked the Lórien Daily News personal ads for ideas. He had a number of choices: Activist, Blue Collar, Circuit Party, Country/Western, Hippie/Granola, Homebody, Gym Bunny/Sporty, Professional, Urban Hipster, and Other.

“Sporty sounds promising,” he thought. “But what the hell is Circuit Party? That must be what Haldir and his brothers are into.”

He ordered a see-through mesh T-Shirt and spandex bike shorts from International Male catalog and hoped for the best.

***

“Aragorn,” Legolas purred, “I couldn’t help but notice your new outfit. It’s very . . . becoming.”

“Thanks. But I don’t know where to put my sword now,” Aragorn said.

“You don’t? Let me make a suggestion.” Legolas whispered into Aragorn’s ear, and the Ranger grew very pink. He nearly came in his bike shorts when Legolas grabbed him and rubbed up against him.

At last! Legolas had accepted him as gay. He felt a brief pang of empathy for the rest of the Fellowship -- they were out of luck now -- but he was too involved in exploring a naked Legolas to give them thought for long.

They dropped to the soft grassy earth and groped each other. Aragorn tried to do it in as gay a manner as possible. Luckily, he had been practicing a lot with Boromir.

“Aragorn, about the Interspecies Act . . .” Legolas said throatily.

“No problem! Don’t forget Elros, and Luthien, and Dior, and all my other famous ancestors. I’m one eighty-fourth Elf!”

He was getting Legolas into a position that was not an anatomical impossibility, but very much a possibility . . . better than that, a certainty . . .

“Aragorn!” Legolas said, shocked, about one sixteenth of second before the point of no return. “No glove, no love!”

Aragorn made whimpering sounds, but the Elf was having none of it. “No barebacking, Aragorn. It sends out the wrong message!”

The ranger howled in anguish.

***

The End

***

Further notes:

Ian Mckellan refers to Rivendell as a no-smoking area in the FOTR cast commentary, and jokes about eating toffees instead of smoking.

All of the terms used -- twink, cub, bear, etc. -- are actual “lifestyle” labels used in the gay community. As you can imagine, many gay men and women do not like being labeled! I regret to say that the category “Short Bear” does not really exist. Poor Gimli.

The extremely talented artist Pira has a series called “Club Bois” featuring Haldir and Co. as party animals. If you are ready for Elves in leather, see:  
http://paintingdragon.homestead.com/Index.html

And if you have never seen a copy of International Male catalog, you are really missing something.


End file.
